Attempting to move on...

Next week will mark a month since my best friend passed away in a horrifying motorcycle collision head on with an SUV. This month has been nothing, if not a total blur. The first week of the month was spent with his family, getting all the arrangements made, the cemetery site picked, surviving the funeral, and then dealing with seeing his bike for the first time, and finally bringing it home. I came home thinking that I would have time to mourn, time to gather myself together, only to be getting up with his brother for coffee, and breakfast another time, talking on the phone with his brother, his wife, and all three of his girls. All along with trying to maintain a regular schedule of working and taking care of things at home and with my own family. I find myself getting angry, at God, at Satan, at family and friends, knowing that it is my inability to come to terms with his death, to truly mourn and deal with my emotions, with my loss, that is causing all this. How do I go forward, when the friend that I shared everything with, all my thoughts and secrets, my fears and worries, the man who knew me better than anyone and had done so for 36 years? That is a friendship that you can't replace, nor would I want to. I have been back down to Charleston along with his brother to visit Chip's family. Also to talk to his wife about a headstone, as Chip's brother Dan is a graphic designer with a local memorial company. His family has pretty much decided on a black granite stone with laser etching of his Harley V-Rod done on it. I am sure Chip would approve. I know that another trip will come soon as Dan will want me to ride with him as we go down to show his wife the design. Each trip gets, .........well...........I guess I can't really say easier, but at least a little more desirable as I want to see his family, to know they are okay. I feel it my duty, my tribute to my friend to be there for his family. I know that sometime in the near future, I am going to have to take some time off, away from the job, from my family, and from his family, and get away to myself for a few days. I haven't had any down time, any time to look inside, to look at that deep, dark place that I am afraid to go to. I know that once I open that door, it cannot be shut, and that I will have to deal with it then and there. And no one can do it for me. But, I have to have the time to explore it, to deal with it, and to be able to move on from there. Maybe then, I can come back to my regular life, with a little more patience, a little more togetherness, and hopefully a lot less anger and pain. I know that it will never fully leave me, but the ability to deal with it is all I ask. I hope for anyone that ever reads this, that you never have to deal with this, that you, my friend, will always have your best friend with you until the end. Of course, we all must come to that end sooner or later, and whether it is we who have to deal with it, or our friends who will have to deal with our loss, all things come to an end. Thanks for the memories, Chip, and being the best friend anyone can ever have.